For Nothing, In Everything

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4:6

Despite my difficulty in remembering the reference to this verse this morning, I'm guessing that most people who have been to church or Sunday school or read a "religious card" at Hallmark have heard something about this verse before.

Confession:  Sometimes I think to myself, Surely this is backwards somehow.  I mean, really, don't you sometimes want to be anxious in everything, and thankful for nothing, or am I the only one?

Some friends of mine whom I have come to greatly respect have written about their own anxiety related to having children with special needs.  Our three situations are all very different, but as I read their respective blogs, again and again I say, Wow!  That's exactly how I feel or That's IT!  EXACTLY! I wish I could express myself so well.

Susan writes at Daily Coping Skills about her life as mom and teacher to seven children.  Her post about anxiety first got me thinking about writing one of my own.  Read her post, here.

My childhood friend, Christen and her husband write about their lives as parents of children with autism at Theology of Autism.  Jeremy wrote a post the other day that had me laughing and crying; and you can read it, here.

So, here's my attempt.  I'll warn you, it's long, probably not my best writing, but it's from my heart, and it's a start at an attempt to better express myself in an honest but faithful way about what God is doing in my life.

All parents have plenty of reasons to be anxious and weary, even exhausted.  I tell myself this fact quite often.  I tell myself so that I will try to feel less different, feel more normal, and even be hard on myself for not meeting the expectations I think are appropriate, i.e., They do it why can't I?

But I'm finally starting to admit to myself--yes, all parents work really hard and have their own special burdens, but I am not normal; my child is not normal; and the things that my husband and I have to do for him are not normal.  But that's OK.

It's not OK because "it's our normal".  It's not OK because we've learned how to cope with strange things.  It's not OK because we have AWESOME therapists and doctors (which we do, by the way).  And it's not by any means OK because "it could be so much worse."

So, back to the anxiety thing before I say why it's ok.

Paul wrote to the Philippians as they were enduring difficult times.  I don't know exactly what was going on in their lives, but I'm almost willing to guarantee you that they would have said, This is not normal,  though perhaps in greek or latin.  And when things aren't normal, people (yes, I) tend to get anxious.  For example, someone accuses you of lying or of being something you are not because they don't understand you--this isn't usually an every day occurrence, I'd imagine, and you would probably feel at least a little anxious for perhaps different reasons.

In my life my child might have a seizure or we might be told another surgery is needed, and I could begin to feel a little anxious.  Sometimes I'm doing something for my son that requires my full attention, and my daughter starts to do something she finds particularly entertaining but is actually dangerous, and I feel my anxiety rising.  Or people ask those "yet" questions that sometimes put my stomach in knots.

Not normal = increased anxiety

So what did Paul say?  Paul didn't belittle or negate the difficulty the Philippians were enduring.  He acknowledged their circumstances for what they really were - difficult circumstances.  He expressed gratitude for the Philippians and their dedication to the truth (Phil. 1).  He called them to unity, to think of others in the body (Phil 2).  He gave them his own testimony and all the reasons he could point to his own successes and personal resources for hope (Phil. 3), all the while acknowledging the foolishness of trusting in himself.  He said he didn't mind repeating himself.  But above all, he pointed the believers to Christ.

He reminded them (me) of what Christ has done - of what He did to make me His own (Phil 3:12).  He reminds us of how "not normal" Christ's life was.  He encourages us to be like Christ and to find mentors who have this goal as well (Phil 3:17).  He reminds us to remember where our true home has been built, that our current body isn't normal (Phil 3:21).

Then he says, "Rejoice."  Twice.  And then comes the, "don't be anxious..." passage quoted at the beginning of this post.  While we're not being anxious we should talk to God and think about things that are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, anything excellent and worthy of praise.  Live this way, don't just hear it, do it.  God will be with you.  The God of PEACE.  (rough summary of Phil 4:4-9)

Oh, I love that word, peace.

Is life hard?  Yes.  Am I tired?  Yes, all the time.  Do I get grumpy and fuss at my children and sometimes wish things were easier, different, or dare I say, normal?  (blushing with a touch of shame) Yes.  Am I sometimes anxious?  Yes.

So what do I want to do instead?

I want to be like Christ and know the peace of God.  How in the world will that ever happen?  Though by no means exhaustive and in no particular order, here are a few ideas:

~Know the truth.  Obviously the truth of God's Word, but also the truth of the life God has given me.  It's hard, there's no getting around that fact.  Denying that life is hard attempts to exalt my supposed strength and resources and belittles the amazing strength, grace and peace God gives.

~Be in community, striving for unity, looking for ways to minister.  Our time isn't always as free and flexible as I would like, but it's amazing what you can do when sitting by your child who's lying in a hospital bed or waiting for him to finish his "flush" 3 days a week.  I can't be as involved in our local body as I would like, but I can always pray.  The list of prayer needs is endless.  Few things increase my love for others and desire for unity as prayer.  Prayer forces me to look to Christ.  Learning how God answers prayer increases my faith.

~Find a mentor.  This is challenging for me and perhaps for all parents with special needs kids because it requires a lot of time.  We have several wonderful examples in Scripture to whom we can look, but having a person with whom I can talk and pray and be completely honest without fear of judgment has been a gift from God I greatly treasure.

~Remember.  Remember what Christ did to make me His.  Remember His grace at the times of need (which have been many).  As Paul wrote, Not that I have already obtained this [way to live for Christ] or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. (Phil. 3:12)

Why is everything OK though not normal?  It's OK because this is the life that God has given me, and He has made me His own.  He gives the grace that brings peace.  When I think that I can do things for myself, I get anxious.  When I remember the truth of God's Word and Christ's life and sacrifice, then I find that anxiety less powerful, and I pray that I become more like Christ.

And because every post is better with a picture of my adorable children, here's one of my recent favorites:

When You Don't Have A Backyard

You sometimes have to use other means to encourage your children to play while you do something else.

While they look happy here, I regret to say that this did not end well.  Time for a new strategy.

Praying for God's Glory

Technology is an amazing thing, isn't it?  For example, I can listen to sermons from any number of churches and countries all from the comfort of my kitchen or living room or really anywhere thanks to the iPod and podcasts.

Since moving to Russia I've listened to sermon podcasts more and more.  Not being able to understand the sermons at church for almost 2 years really drove me to seek for teaching in other ways.  Often during lunch Isaiah and I will listen to a sermon together.  In fact suhmun recently entered Isaiah's vocabulary.

We were listening to a sermon of John Piper's recently that was reposted on iTunes from the end of 2008 entitled, Put in the Fire for the Sake of Prayer.  We haven't finished it yet, but already I am challenged about my prayer life.

Piper expounds passages from the gospel of John in which the apostle writes about prayer and Jesus' teaching on prayer.  The challenge?  Whatever you pray, pray for the purpose of the glory of God.

Well, duh, you might say.  But really, do we do this?  Piper was talking specifically about what we ask of God and said (rough quote), You can pray for a parking space, that's fine, but is your goal for the glory of God?  Hmmm.....I must confess that while I do believe that my life's goal is for the glory of God, and I try to live that way day by day, I don't think that I've thought about the requests that I make in prayer as specifically for the glory of God.

My most current personal requests have been about Nadia's birth.  For example, Lord, please keep Nadia in the womb until it's such and such a time.  But I think that my request, if I am honest, is motivated by fear and not for the glory of God.
I fear that...
she will be born too early
she will have physical difficulties from prematurity
I will have to have an emergency c-section again and not get to see her right away
her suck won't be developed and she won't nurse well
and the list goes on and on.

Sometimes I find it easier to pray for the glory of God when praying for other people, I think.  But now I want to pray more biblically for myself.  I don't know exactly what this will sound like right now.  Going back to the example of Nadia's birth, I don't think it is sinful to pray for her to be born later rather than earlier, but how do I envelop that desire in the foundation of God's glory?  Just by saying, Please bring glory to yourself through Nadia's birth, Lord; and here are my thoughts and desires on the matter...?

What are your thoughts?

How Do They Do It?

Sometimes I read Scripture or look at people of faith around me and wonder, How do they do it?  How do they keep on going in difficult circumstances?  Don't they get weary?

Well, probably they do get weary, being imperfect beings and all; but I think today I read something that reminds me of the answer to those questions:

For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.  So death works in us, but life in you.  But having the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, 'I believed, therefore I spoke', we also believe, therefore we also speak, knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and will present us with you.  For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God.
II Corinthians 4:11-15


Since I recently finished When People are Big and God is Small by Ed Welch, I am probably more likely to pick up on the theme of fearing God rather than man while reading the Bible.  But I do think that this is a huge part of what Paul is saying here.  His ultimate goal was for the glory of God and for the spiritual growth of the Christians to whom he ministered.  He wasn't looking to see what the churches could do for him.  He wasn't looking to spread his own fame or to be liked by everyone.  He had his eyes and heart on God and his life reveals that us in all that he was able to endure for God's glory and God's people.  After all, He was serving the God Who defeated death!

I always fear that I'm taking something out of context or reading into Scripture rather than learning from it when I post about what I've read, so please feel free to correct me if I am wrong in this passage!  But I pray that I am compelled like Paul to live for God and other people because I fear God and love people rather than need people.

To God be the Glory!

Dull Mama

Our first couple years in Russia, we focused our time on learning the Russian language (which, by the way, we will be speaking in heaven because it takes an eternity to learn!).  While our brains were occupied with different cases and verbs of motion that I am still working on, Thomas and I often commented to each other that it seemed like our minds were growing lazy in other areas.  For example we found it more difficult to discuss theological, philosophical or other technical topics in English that we used to work in every day.

And that's what I mean by "dull mama".  I'm (slowly) getting better at Russian, but my thought processes in general are just plain slow.  I find it difficult to think through concepts and make application.

In an effort to sharpen my brain again, I've been trying to read some different books other than the fiction that can be so captivating.  I'm almost done with Ed Welch's When People are Big and God is Small.  I highly recommend this book!  As someone who struggles greatly with wanting the approval of other people in order to satisfy my own needs, every page held insight, conviction and encouragement for me.

Welch challenges the commonly held views of Christians and nonChristians that people are cups looking to be filled with love.  While the 2 groups look to different sources for filling, the final outcome is often the same.  Welch states that rather than cups to be filled, we are pitchers to be poured out.

I can't do his writing justice in one short blog post, or in the quotations I've been copying in my sidebar, but I encourage you to read the book for yourself.  I have about a chapter left, and I'm already thinking that this should be a yearly read.

But I also have a question for you.  I would love some recommendations for reading.  I know of 6 days in June (Lord willing) that I'll be "out of order" other than taking care of Nadia in the hospital.  I would love to go prepared with some electronic books to read between naps and feedings.  Please leave me a comment with ideas of books that have been a blessing to you.  If you happen to know if they are available on Kindle for iPhone that would be even better!  Thanks so much!

Not To The Healthy

It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick; I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners."  ~Jesus (Mark 2:17)

My scheduled reading brought me to this passage over the weekend.  Whenever I read passages like this one, when Jesus zings the Pharisees, I often have thoughts like Ha!  Take that you hypocrites!  Thankfully this time I realized my sin of pride in that way.

The last few weeks have been very difficult for me.  I won't go into details right now because a) there's a lot to say and b) I take forever to type.  Just trust me when I say that down days have been more frequent than up days.

But the Lord has been gracious to me and continued to teach me.  When I understand that I am sick, that I am a sinner, then I understand the gospel better.  These last few weeks I have had a daily reminder (not always just physical!) of my own weakness and dependence.  

Jesus came to earth for me not because I can keep a household running smoothly or prepare wonderful meals or keep within a budget or sew clothes or teach my child or even spread the gospel in my own strength.  Nope.  He came to earth to live and die and live again for me to give me Himself so that I can do the work that He calls me to do in His strength.  He came to earth to live and die and live again for me because I am sick and need healing.  I am a sinner who needs a saviour.

He is worthy!

Mid-Week Crisis

**Post begun on Wednesday and finished after calmness returned**

Already. Yep. Isaiah has already been put back to bed twice. He's really droopy and not wanting to do anything that's not his idea. I'm already tired from nose pops and corrections. It's 9:00am.

And the day didn't get much better as it progressed, in fact in all honesty, Mama had to put herself in time out for her own attitude. Yes, you read that correctly. It wasn't that I needed time to myself away from my Little Man, I thin Isaiah probably needed me to go chill and calm down. So I put him in his room to play and had some serious conversations with God about my heart.

Maybe I should do that more often. The rest of the week was much better, for all of us!