There are certain things that I know to be true:
God is good, all the time.
God gives good gifts to His children.
Sin is evil.
Heaven is wonderful because God is there.
Life is not always beautiful, but can be lovely.
I don't have to understand everything to believe in God. (Hallelujah!)
Nothing can separate me from God's love.
Because I know these things, I can write this post, and hope that God will be glorified in my words and in my life.
Two weeks ago, I found out I was expecting our third child, and I was happy. Four days ago, I learned that our child was with God, and I am heartbroken, again. (I realize that I used bad grammar here, but when I typed "was heartbroken", it just wasn't accurate, so please overlook my purposeful use of bad grammar in order to communicate more accurately my emotions.)
You might be wondering why I would "bother" writing this post, since most people did not even know that I was pregnant. Well, to be quite honest, I think this is for me. I need to put down somewhere the things that I wrote at the beginning and remember that in this, too, God is good. I don't understand why our 3rd child did not stay with us on earth. While I would love to know why this happened, I don't have to know the reason in order to continue to believe that God is good. And for some reason, I also need other people to know, so I put it here, rather than in a journal for my own eyes (though it's there, too!).
After our first miscarriage in March, I wrote this post. To my surprise, I was told afterwards that it was printed out and used for hopeful encouragement for some other women in similar circumstances. I don't know how God will use our second miscarriage, but I pray that He will be glorified. Perhaps no one else will read this beyond my few faithful readers, but even if that is the case, I pray that God will use this in y'all's lives as He sees fit. (be sure to read that last part with a good southern drawl, it sounds better that way)
And in case you're curious about the medical side of things, here's some info:
I went to a different clinic to see the doctor this time. We decided for convenience sake I would go to a clinic that I could get to more easily. This clinic is actually a Finnish-Russian clinic, so the doctor does not speak English. I went on Tuesday of last week for the first time. The doctor was very kind and spoke very clearly, so we were able to understand her very well! When we didn't understand a medical term that she said, she was able to explain the term (in Russian), and we were able to understand then. She did an ultrasound and was not able to see anything. We did a blood test, and she called with the results of very low hcg. The very next day my period started. And I cried. A lot.
I go back on Monday (tomorrow) to do another blood draw. The doctor will call me on Tuesday to let me know the results, and we are going to do a follow-up ultrasound (I think) to make sure that everything is all right in there. She said "we need to make sure your body is ready for your next baby" (rough translation). I was really glad that she brought this up, because it would have taken me at least twice as long to get my point across in Russian, especially over the phone.
I am very thankful for this doctor. I am thankful that my Russian has progressed to a point that I can go to this clinic--it is SO MUCH EASIER to get to! I am thankful that overall the weather is prettier right now, it's amazing to me the difference some sunshine can make! I am thankful for a little man who loves life and waves at cars that go by as we take long walks in the sunshine. I am thankful for a God Who never leaves me or forsakes me, who sanctifies me and purifies me and cleanses me.
So I've been thinking a lot about heaven lately. I think that when we are in heaven, we'll probably be just so stinking excited to be in God's presence that that joy will be greater than anything else, but in my imperfect state right now, I must confess that heaven seems closer because we have two children there. While I know that Christ is totally reason enough for wanting to be in heaven, this emotional mama also looks forward to meeting her children and telling them how much she loves them, though she's never seen them with her eyes or held them in her arms. And somehow, realizing that I can love someone that I've never seen or touched our kissed or hugged helps me realize that I can love Christ even more, He Who has done so much for me. Though I have never seen God, I love Him; and I want to love Him more.
Please pray for me. I really want to have another baby. Please pray that I will be patient and trust in God's good timing. And practically, please pray that I will sleep well. I'm very tired, but when I lay down to go to bed at night, I must confess, my mind wanders a lot, and sleep does not come easily at times. I want to be refreshed and ready for doing what I need to do the next day (especially for Isaiah!), and I know that sleep is a big part of that. But most of all, please pray that God will be glorified. Thanks, friends!