From the Hill

In Portland the major hospitals sit on this huge hill.  Tonight I write from The Hill, specifically in a room in Shriner's Hospital.  I'm watching my little man watch his beloved Duggars as he begins to doze a little bit, but fights the urge to sleep, because seriously, what 7 year old boy ever wants to sleep, even after surgery. 

(I apologize ahead of time to my grammar-loving friends for that sentence.  Although I guess since the apology came after the sentence, it's not "ahead of time".  I'm a little tired.)

Today wasn't as stressful for us as some surgical days have been in the past.  We had a later check in, so we didn't have to get up at "o dark thirty".  I just realized that I've never written that and I don't know how to write that phrase.  Ok.  So we had a relatively easy morning, a long wait in pre-op, and we prepared for a potentially long surgery.  

An odd thing happened.  I was mentally prepared for a 3+ hour wait for the surgeon to come tell us all was well.  After barely an hour the nurse came to tell us the surgeon was closing Isaiah up.  Now keep in mind that I'm the positive thinking one in our family.  I panicked.  I thought that surely the surgeon had looked in Isaiah's back, realized he couldn't repair the connectors that he had been hoping to prepare.  I "knew" that he would come out disappointed and start talking about the necessity of having to fuse Isaiah's spine a lot earlier than we hoped.

I'm really not familiar with this feeling.  I didn't like it.  I'm thankful that it didn't last long.  The surgeon came out looking quite pleased and showed us on his phone pictures of the x-rays showing his beautiful work.

Why am I even writing this story?  Well, maybe because I never cease to be amazed at the depths of my own heart.  I need to remember these types of moments when I think that I can handle things on my own.  I need to remember that even had the surgeon been disappointed, God wasn't.  I need to remember that no matter what my emotional response to things, I can turn to my great God Who loves me and does all things well.

And I am tired, so I don't know if this will even make any sense to anyone else, but I wanted to record it somewhere to help me remember in the future.  If it helps someone else, too, all the better.

Help!

Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us; 

And confirm for us the work of our hands; 

Yes, confirm the work of our hands.

~Psalm 90:17

God's working upon us does not discharge us from using our utmost endeavours in serving Him and working out our salvation.  But, when we have done all, we must wait upon God for the success, and beg of Him to prosper our handy works, to give us to compass what we aim at for His glory.  We are so unworthy of divine assistance, and yet so utterly insufficient to bring any thing to pass without it, that we have need to be earnest for it and to repeat the request:  Yea, the work of our hands, establish thou it, and, in order to that, establish us in it.

~Matthew Henry' Commentary (Psalm 90:12-17)

Begging the Lord for help is the best thing I can do every day, especially when I think I don't need it.

For Nothing, In Everything

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4:6

Despite my difficulty in remembering the reference to this verse this morning, I'm guessing that most people who have been to church or Sunday school or read a "religious card" at Hallmark have heard something about this verse before.

Confession:  Sometimes I think to myself, Surely this is backwards somehow.  I mean, really, don't you sometimes want to be anxious in everything, and thankful for nothing, or am I the only one?

Some friends of mine whom I have come to greatly respect have written about their own anxiety related to having children with special needs.  Our three situations are all very different, but as I read their respective blogs, again and again I say, Wow!  That's exactly how I feel or That's IT!  EXACTLY! I wish I could express myself so well.

Susan writes at Daily Coping Skills about her life as mom and teacher to seven children.  Her post about anxiety first got me thinking about writing one of my own.  Read her post, here.

My childhood friend, Christen and her husband write about their lives as parents of children with autism at Theology of Autism.  Jeremy wrote a post the other day that had me laughing and crying; and you can read it, here.

So, here's my attempt.  I'll warn you, it's long, probably not my best writing, but it's from my heart, and it's a start at an attempt to better express myself in an honest but faithful way about what God is doing in my life.

All parents have plenty of reasons to be anxious and weary, even exhausted.  I tell myself this fact quite often.  I tell myself so that I will try to feel less different, feel more normal, and even be hard on myself for not meeting the expectations I think are appropriate, i.e., They do it why can't I?

But I'm finally starting to admit to myself--yes, all parents work really hard and have their own special burdens, but I am not normal; my child is not normal; and the things that my husband and I have to do for him are not normal.  But that's OK.

It's not OK because "it's our normal".  It's not OK because we've learned how to cope with strange things.  It's not OK because we have AWESOME therapists and doctors (which we do, by the way).  And it's not by any means OK because "it could be so much worse."

So, back to the anxiety thing before I say why it's ok.

Paul wrote to the Philippians as they were enduring difficult times.  I don't know exactly what was going on in their lives, but I'm almost willing to guarantee you that they would have said, This is not normal,  though perhaps in greek or latin.  And when things aren't normal, people (yes, I) tend to get anxious.  For example, someone accuses you of lying or of being something you are not because they don't understand you--this isn't usually an every day occurrence, I'd imagine, and you would probably feel at least a little anxious for perhaps different reasons.

In my life my child might have a seizure or we might be told another surgery is needed, and I could begin to feel a little anxious.  Sometimes I'm doing something for my son that requires my full attention, and my daughter starts to do something she finds particularly entertaining but is actually dangerous, and I feel my anxiety rising.  Or people ask those "yet" questions that sometimes put my stomach in knots.

Not normal = increased anxiety

So what did Paul say?  Paul didn't belittle or negate the difficulty the Philippians were enduring.  He acknowledged their circumstances for what they really were - difficult circumstances.  He expressed gratitude for the Philippians and their dedication to the truth (Phil. 1).  He called them to unity, to think of others in the body (Phil 2).  He gave them his own testimony and all the reasons he could point to his own successes and personal resources for hope (Phil. 3), all the while acknowledging the foolishness of trusting in himself.  He said he didn't mind repeating himself.  But above all, he pointed the believers to Christ.

He reminded them (me) of what Christ has done - of what He did to make me His own (Phil 3:12).  He reminds us of how "not normal" Christ's life was.  He encourages us to be like Christ and to find mentors who have this goal as well (Phil 3:17).  He reminds us to remember where our true home has been built, that our current body isn't normal (Phil 3:21).

Then he says, "Rejoice."  Twice.  And then comes the, "don't be anxious..." passage quoted at the beginning of this post.  While we're not being anxious we should talk to God and think about things that are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, anything excellent and worthy of praise.  Live this way, don't just hear it, do it.  God will be with you.  The God of PEACE.  (rough summary of Phil 4:4-9)

Oh, I love that word, peace.

Is life hard?  Yes.  Am I tired?  Yes, all the time.  Do I get grumpy and fuss at my children and sometimes wish things were easier, different, or dare I say, normal?  (blushing with a touch of shame) Yes.  Am I sometimes anxious?  Yes.

So what do I want to do instead?

I want to be like Christ and know the peace of God.  How in the world will that ever happen?  Though by no means exhaustive and in no particular order, here are a few ideas:

~Know the truth.  Obviously the truth of God's Word, but also the truth of the life God has given me.  It's hard, there's no getting around that fact.  Denying that life is hard attempts to exalt my supposed strength and resources and belittles the amazing strength, grace and peace God gives.

~Be in community, striving for unity, looking for ways to minister.  Our time isn't always as free and flexible as I would like, but it's amazing what you can do when sitting by your child who's lying in a hospital bed or waiting for him to finish his "flush" 3 days a week.  I can't be as involved in our local body as I would like, but I can always pray.  The list of prayer needs is endless.  Few things increase my love for others and desire for unity as prayer.  Prayer forces me to look to Christ.  Learning how God answers prayer increases my faith.

~Find a mentor.  This is challenging for me and perhaps for all parents with special needs kids because it requires a lot of time.  We have several wonderful examples in Scripture to whom we can look, but having a person with whom I can talk and pray and be completely honest without fear of judgment has been a gift from God I greatly treasure.

~Remember.  Remember what Christ did to make me His.  Remember His grace at the times of need (which have been many).  As Paul wrote, Not that I have already obtained this [way to live for Christ] or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. (Phil. 3:12)

Why is everything OK though not normal?  It's OK because this is the life that God has given me, and He has made me His own.  He gives the grace that brings peace.  When I think that I can do things for myself, I get anxious.  When I remember the truth of God's Word and Christ's life and sacrifice, then I find that anxiety less powerful, and I pray that I become more like Christ.

And because every post is better with a picture of my adorable children, here's one of my recent favorites:

To The End Of The World

At last this very day I have finished reading the book of Matthew with the assistance of J.C. Ryle.  I highly recommend to you his Expository Thoughts on Matthew, also available in ebooks if you are conserving your shelf space.

I almost didn't read the end of Matthew today because I was thinking, When I feel the way I do right now, I need something comforting and uplifting, not something that focuses on death and pain.

That just goes to show you my need for spiritual growth!  What could be more comforting than the proof that Jesus loves me and will always be with me than what I read in the final chapters of Matthew's gospel:

Jesus died my death on the cross.

Jesus called His unfaithful disciples "my brethren". 

Jesus rose from the dead, completing redemption, defeating death and satisfying our Holy Father.

Jesus promised to be with His children in all that He has called them to do.

What could be more comforting that all that?

A High Calling

Feeling discouraged, Mom?  I read this article sent to me by a friend, a mother of 3 young boys no less, and I was reminded of the great responsibility and privilege we have as mothers.

Please enjoy this article for yourself!

Every day we can show Christ to our children.  A little daunting to think about that responsibility, but what a high calling God has given us!

Oh What Joy!

Imagine what our lives would be like if we had this much joy upon opening God's Word.

Oh, and be prepared to cry a little; I did.

A Striking Example Of Faith

The wise men who visited Jesus in Bethlehem give us "a striking example of faith."

These wise men believed in Christ when they had never seen Him; but that was not all.  They believed in Him when the scribes and Pharisees were unbelieving; --but again that was not all.  They believed in Him when they saw Him a little infant on Mary's knees, and worshipped Him as a King.  This was the crowning point of their faith. --They saw no miracles to convince them.  They heard no teaching to persuade them.  They beheld no signs of divinity and greatness to overawe them.  They saw nothing but a new-born infant, helpless and weak, and needing a mother's care, like any one of ourselves.  And yet when they saw that infant, they believed that they saw the divine Saviour of the world! "They fell down and worshipped Him."

~J.C. Ryle Expository Thoughts On Matthew

Praying for God's Glory

Technology is an amazing thing, isn't it?  For example, I can listen to sermons from any number of churches and countries all from the comfort of my kitchen or living room or really anywhere thanks to the iPod and podcasts.

Since moving to Russia I've listened to sermon podcasts more and more.  Not being able to understand the sermons at church for almost 2 years really drove me to seek for teaching in other ways.  Often during lunch Isaiah and I will listen to a sermon together.  In fact suhmun recently entered Isaiah's vocabulary.

We were listening to a sermon of John Piper's recently that was reposted on iTunes from the end of 2008 entitled, Put in the Fire for the Sake of Prayer.  We haven't finished it yet, but already I am challenged about my prayer life.

Piper expounds passages from the gospel of John in which the apostle writes about prayer and Jesus' teaching on prayer.  The challenge?  Whatever you pray, pray for the purpose of the glory of God.

Well, duh, you might say.  But really, do we do this?  Piper was talking specifically about what we ask of God and said (rough quote), You can pray for a parking space, that's fine, but is your goal for the glory of God?  Hmmm.....I must confess that while I do believe that my life's goal is for the glory of God, and I try to live that way day by day, I don't think that I've thought about the requests that I make in prayer as specifically for the glory of God.

My most current personal requests have been about Nadia's birth.  For example, Lord, please keep Nadia in the womb until it's such and such a time.  But I think that my request, if I am honest, is motivated by fear and not for the glory of God.
I fear that...
she will be born too early
she will have physical difficulties from prematurity
I will have to have an emergency c-section again and not get to see her right away
her suck won't be developed and she won't nurse well
and the list goes on and on.

Sometimes I find it easier to pray for the glory of God when praying for other people, I think.  But now I want to pray more biblically for myself.  I don't know exactly what this will sound like right now.  Going back to the example of Nadia's birth, I don't think it is sinful to pray for her to be born later rather than earlier, but how do I envelop that desire in the foundation of God's glory?  Just by saying, Please bring glory to yourself through Nadia's birth, Lord; and here are my thoughts and desires on the matter...?

What are your thoughts?

Dull Mama

Our first couple years in Russia, we focused our time on learning the Russian language (which, by the way, we will be speaking in heaven because it takes an eternity to learn!).  While our brains were occupied with different cases and verbs of motion that I am still working on, Thomas and I often commented to each other that it seemed like our minds were growing lazy in other areas.  For example we found it more difficult to discuss theological, philosophical or other technical topics in English that we used to work in every day.

And that's what I mean by "dull mama".  I'm (slowly) getting better at Russian, but my thought processes in general are just plain slow.  I find it difficult to think through concepts and make application.

In an effort to sharpen my brain again, I've been trying to read some different books other than the fiction that can be so captivating.  I'm almost done with Ed Welch's When People are Big and God is Small.  I highly recommend this book!  As someone who struggles greatly with wanting the approval of other people in order to satisfy my own needs, every page held insight, conviction and encouragement for me.

Welch challenges the commonly held views of Christians and nonChristians that people are cups looking to be filled with love.  While the 2 groups look to different sources for filling, the final outcome is often the same.  Welch states that rather than cups to be filled, we are pitchers to be poured out.

I can't do his writing justice in one short blog post, or in the quotations I've been copying in my sidebar, but I encourage you to read the book for yourself.  I have about a chapter left, and I'm already thinking that this should be a yearly read.

But I also have a question for you.  I would love some recommendations for reading.  I know of 6 days in June (Lord willing) that I'll be "out of order" other than taking care of Nadia in the hospital.  I would love to go prepared with some electronic books to read between naps and feedings.  Please leave me a comment with ideas of books that have been a blessing to you.  If you happen to know if they are available on Kindle for iPhone that would be even better!  Thanks so much!

Until We Meet

There are certain things that I know to be true:

God is good, all the time.

God gives good gifts to His children.

Sin is evil.

Heaven is wonderful because God is there.

Life is not always beautiful, but can be lovely.

I don't have to understand everything to believe in God. (Hallelujah!)

Nothing can separate me from God's love.

Because I know these things, I can write this post, and hope that God will be glorified in my words and in my life.

Two weeks ago, I found out I was expecting our third child, and I was happy.  Four days ago, I learned that our child was with God, and I am heartbroken, again.  (I realize that I used bad grammar here, but when I typed "was heartbroken", it just wasn't accurate, so please overlook my purposeful use of bad grammar in order to communicate more accurately my emotions.)

You might be wondering why I would "bother" writing this post, since most people did not even know that I was pregnant.  Well, to be quite honest, I think this is for me.  I need to put down somewhere the things that I wrote at the beginning and remember that in this, too, God is good.  I don't understand why our 3rd child did not stay with us on earth.  While I would love to know why this happened, I don't have to know the reason in order to continue to believe that God is good.  And for some reason, I also need other people to know, so I put it here, rather than in a journal for my own eyes (though it's there, too!).

After our first miscarriage in March, I wrote this post.  To my surprise, I was told afterwards that it was printed out and used for hopeful encouragement for some other women in similar circumstances.  I don't know how God will use our second miscarriage, but I pray that He will be glorified.  Perhaps no one else will read this beyond my few faithful readers, but even if that is the case, I pray that God will use this in y'all's lives as He sees fit.  (be sure to read that last part with a good southern drawl, it sounds better that way)

And in case you're curious about the medical side of things, here's some info:

I went to a different clinic to see the doctor this time.  We decided for convenience sake I would go to a clinic that I could get to more easily.  This clinic is actually a Finnish-Russian clinic, so the doctor does not speak English.  I went on Tuesday of last week for the first time.  The doctor was very kind and spoke very clearly, so we were able to understand her very well!  When we didn't understand a medical term that she said, she was able to explain the term (in Russian), and we were able to understand then.  She did an ultrasound and was not able to see anything.  We did a blood test, and she called with the results of very low hcg.  The very next day my period started.  And I cried.  A lot.

I go back on Monday (tomorrow) to do another blood draw.  The doctor will call me on Tuesday to let me know the results, and we are going to do a follow-up ultrasound (I think) to make sure that everything is all right in there.  She said "we need to make sure your body is ready for your next baby" (rough translation).  I was really glad that she brought this up, because it would have taken me at least twice as long to get my point across in Russian, especially over the phone.

I am very thankful for this doctor.  I am thankful that my Russian has progressed to a point that I can go to this clinic--it is SO MUCH EASIER to get to!  I am thankful that overall the weather is prettier right now, it's amazing to me the difference some sunshine can make!  I am thankful for a little man who loves life and waves at cars that go by as we take long walks in the sunshine.  I am thankful for a God Who never leaves me or forsakes me, who sanctifies me and purifies me and cleanses me.

So I've been thinking a lot about heaven lately.  I think that when we are in heaven, we'll probably be just so stinking excited to be in God's presence that that joy will be greater than anything else, but in my imperfect state right now, I must confess that heaven seems closer because we have two children there.  While I know that Christ is totally reason enough for wanting to be in heaven, this emotional mama also looks forward to meeting her children and telling them how much she loves them, though she's never seen them with her eyes or held them in her arms.  And somehow, realizing that I can love someone that I've never seen or touched our kissed or hugged helps me realize that I can love Christ even more, He Who has done so much for me.  Though I have never seen God, I love Him; and I want to love Him more.

Please pray for me.  I really want to have another baby.  Please pray that I will be patient and trust in God's good timing.  And practically, please pray that I will sleep well.  I'm very tired, but when I lay down to go to bed at night, I must confess, my mind wanders a lot, and sleep does not come easily at times.  I want to be refreshed and ready for doing what I need to do the next day (especially for Isaiah!), and I know that sleep is a big part of that.  But most of all, please pray that God will be glorified.  Thanks, friends!

The Body of Christ

Just so you know, this post is taking a break from highlighting Isaiah's wonderfulness.  I've had something on my mind that I wanted to share, and Sunday seemed a good day.

In the last week I've had the opportunity to "rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep" though from a distance.  Even from thousands of miles away, the Lord has granted me wonderful friendships, some old, some new, some developing.  I am thankful for the testimony of both the families that I am going to tell you about, though their situations have outcomes at opposite ends of the spectrum.  Both families cling to the power of our great God and Father.  And while is rejoicing over recovery and one weeps in loss they both rejoice in faith.

When we found out Isaiah was going to be named Isaiah and not Anna or Grace or Victoria, or some other girly name, we also found out that he had spina bifida.  Immediately we were wrapped in the loving arms of many friends and family.  We also were contacted by many strangers with words of comfort and encouragement.  One of the families that contacted us were The Nelsons.  They also have a daughter with spina bifida.  Emily is a beautiful about-to-be 3 year old.  When Isaiah was born, Anna, Emily's mother, came to the hospital to see us.  I hadn't contacted her while I was pregnant, for a variety of personal reasons, but meeting her and sweet Emily was an amazing gift from God!  Since that time she has been an encouragement to me, a sounding board for questions and concerns, a counselor for many different things.  

In November her father was diagnosed with cancer and had to have an intensive surgery very quickly.  Until just a couple weeks ago, he has been in a coma.  We were able to pray with Anna from a distance and beg for God's wisdom and mercy and know that He would do what is best.  The situation was serious, but throughout everything, I could see, or rather read, Anna's faith in God.  Just in the past 2 weeks, Anna's dad was stable enough to be moved from Birmingham, AL back to Jackson, MS, where Anna and her family live!  He is talking and even has started eating on his own.  In what looked like certain loss, God is giving recovery.  Anna's dad still has a long way to go, but he is doing very well!  We rejoice with Anna and her family!

In California there is a church that Thomas, Isaiah and I have never been to.  Several of the elders read Thomas' theological satire blog.  As we were raising support to come to Russia, one of the elders contacted us about different ways that the church would like to help in our ministry, and as time went on a relationship developed and the church now supports us financially.  Though we have never been there to meet this body of believers face to face, a couple of the women have contacted me through email; and, I hope, our new friendships are developing.  One of the women, Heather, is a mother of 6 beautiful children.  In "all her spare time" she writes a blog, which I greatly enjoy reading.  For the past few months her husband had been having health problems, though he was very young.  We have been praying for the family since Heather first emailed me and I started reading her blog, where I learned about her husband's health problems.  No matter what was going on in her family, Heather's posts revealed her steady faith in God.  Last week, her husband went home to be with the Lord, and while I read the news on her blog, though I had never met this woman or any of her family or anyone that she knows, I wept.  I hope to meet Heather and her children some day on earth, and I know that I will meet her husband some day in heaven.  Perhaps someone who knows this family will read this post, and I hope that my writing about them in no way seems inappropriate.  But I am in awe of God's design of His church, He enables a girl most recently from MS now living in Russia to weep and pray for a sister in Christ whom she has never met in CA.  I have learned from Heather by reading her blog.  I am thankful for this sister that I hope to meet some day.

And switching gears just slightly....I know that there are lots of problems in the church at large-there are people in the church who aren't fully sanctified yet, so of course there are problems!  But as I mentioned already, I love how God has designed for His body to live.  I want to be the brother or sister that He has called me to be.  I am thankful that we can rejoice and grieve with each other because we are together in Christ no matter how far apart we are on the globe.

Berlin-Day Four

Our day in Wittenburg was definitely a wonderful experience.  To realize that we were in the place where the Reformation began was almost overwhelming!  We were able to sit in on part of a service in the church that Luther pastored in Wittenburg.  (Sadly, I don't think Luther would be very pleased with the state of things currently, but at one time the gospel was clearly proclaimed from that pulpit.)

This is the church where Luther was pastor and first questioning some of the Catholic church practices

Here are Isaiah and Thomas by the pulpit in Luther's church

We saw the spot where the original doors hung on which Luther nailed his now famous 95 theses.  The original doors burned down several hundred years ago, and they were replaced with bronze doors on which are carved the 95 theses.

How thankful we are to God for opening Luther's heart and mind and protecting him with faithful German princes so that the gospel could spread rapidly over Germany and then Europe and then to our own home country.  And to think that now we are a part of spreading that gospel even further around the world! 

I think you could say that Isaiah enjoyed his day in Wittenburg and all the time with his grandparents 

I'm Sensing a Theme

Lately I just haven't been feeling quite right. Nothing has happened to cause these "not right" feelings that I can identify, yet they are often evident in all their sinful glory! If I had to chose one word to describe me lately, I think it would have to be "unstable". I have felt unstable in my emotions and judgments, my reactions and thoughts. Today I read Psalm 51 and James 1, and wouldn't you know it, but both those passages mention being unstable, James quite bluntly:

but he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.
For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord,
being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

This verse is in the context of someone who is in trials counting them all joy and knowing the good results that those trials can produce in his life. He can also ask wisdom from God, but he must ask in faith (for a more eloquent and helpful summary of the context, I can recommend several wonderful commentaries, if you would like).

Psalm 51 rather implies David's instability in one of the often-quoted verses:

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

This verse (written in the context of David's confession to God of his sin with Bathsheba) seems to imply that David felt the need for steadfastness, in other words that he felt unstable. (This thought is not original to me, just so you know. I believe the source of the note in the margin of my Bible was from Sinclair Ferguson in his book, Deserted by God? a really good book that I highly recommend!)

This post isn't necessarily to make any great conclusions about why I am feeling unstable lately. I am not qualified to write such a theological treatise, but I do want God to search my heart! I don't know of any particular sin that is causing unstableness (such as in David's case), but I do know that I have been struggling with trusting God lately to provide for the different needs that I think our family might have though we might not be experiencing any great trials lately (perhaps similarly to the James passage). This post is just to make some observations and sort of flush out in "written" form some of my thoughts. I don't know exactly why I feel unstable, but I do know that I am a sinner and cannot achieve stability on my own. I do know that only in God, My Rock, can there be true stability. I do know that I must look only to Him for stability, and also that only He can help me to look to Him. I do know that somehow humility and submission and trust are involved, and I pray that God will enable me to trust Him as He is worthy of being trusted (Jer. 17). I do know that I want to be stable in God and that I want that stability to be evident in my relationships with God and with other people so that I might better obey the 2 greatest commandments!

Four Years of Loving and Learning

With all the excitement of planning Christmas and getting gifts for Isaiah and each other, Thomas and I somehow managed to not remember that our 4th wedding anniversary was the 27th of December. I say "not remember" because we didn't really forget, but we didn't exactly remember to plan anything specific for the very day. We have already reserved some babysitters for an evening while we are in Germany...but those details are for another very exciting post to come. :)

So anyway, one morning we were sitting in the kitchen, when I very anxiously asked Thomas if he had any plans for Thursday (our anniversary). I was secretly hoping that he hadn't thought about it because only the day before had I realized that I hadn't thought about it! Thankfully I was answered with a fearful sounding, "um....no". I could tell that Thomas was afraid that I would be offended (being married at least 4 years helps with that, though we still have so much to learn!). I quickly tried to reassure him that I had nothing planned and no expectations of him. I had to repeat this a couple of times, but finally he did believe me and we both began laughing, which started Isaiah laughing, which made us laugh more, which made Isaiah laugh more, well you get the picture.

I think most couples enjoy spending time together on their wedding anniversaries, and Thomas and I are no different, but we also really enjoy spending time with our Little Man, so we decided to make our anniversary celebration a family affair. For details on how the day was spent, feel free to check out Thomas' post on our family blog.It's amazing how much you can learn about yourself in four years, and how much more you can learn when you're living with someone every day! I always knew that I was a sinner in need of sanctifying grace, but WOW!, has marriage ever shown me just how selfish and sinful I am! Jesus' command in John 13 for His disciples to love one another so that the world would know that they are His disciples makes more and more sense as I continue to interact with other people. The vast majority of people are not difficult to love most of the time, and Thomas is certainly not difficult to love, but I get in the way so often. By learning how to love as Christ loves His people and having His mind, I must lay aside myself, which I don't always want to do! As someone who likes to please other people, it might look like I am laying aside myself, but all to often my motives are still quite selfish!

I am thankful that God has given me such a loving and gracious spouse who for these past four years has helped me to learn more about God and about myself and about how I can better live for God! Being able to learn in such a grand relationship certainly helps make the process of sanctification a lot more fun at times!