Influence

It's amazing to me the impact that other people have on our lives. Obviously there are varying degrees to which people influence me.  Those closest to me have the most influence.  But I can be influenced by the words of complete strangers.  It's kind of odd how that works.

Currently I find my life strongly influenced by someone I've hardly known yet to whom I will always feel an intimate connection.  For 38 days I had the joy of sharing every moment with a gift from God.  Last week we learned that we will have to wait a while to meet our gift.  Our baby gets to join some of his siblings in worshipping our precious Savior.

I am sad for me and for our family, but I know that as God has brought us through this before, He will sustain us now.  I am thankful for the kindness of our doctor who prayed with us before we left her office.  I am thankful that Thomas could be with me at the appointment.  I am thankful that Thomas was off work last week so he could be with the children.  I am thankful for the two wonderful children God has given us now.

Many of you have been kind to send us words of encouragement and love.  I wish that I could thank each of you in person, but most of you are kind of far away, and I've been a little overwhelmed.  Please know that I have read all your messages, and I greatly appreciate them.  Thank you for loving our family!

Dull Mama

Our first couple years in Russia, we focused our time on learning the Russian language (which, by the way, we will be speaking in heaven because it takes an eternity to learn!).  While our brains were occupied with different cases and verbs of motion that I am still working on, Thomas and I often commented to each other that it seemed like our minds were growing lazy in other areas.  For example we found it more difficult to discuss theological, philosophical or other technical topics in English that we used to work in every day.

And that's what I mean by "dull mama".  I'm (slowly) getting better at Russian, but my thought processes in general are just plain slow.  I find it difficult to think through concepts and make application.

In an effort to sharpen my brain again, I've been trying to read some different books other than the fiction that can be so captivating.  I'm almost done with Ed Welch's When People are Big and God is Small.  I highly recommend this book!  As someone who struggles greatly with wanting the approval of other people in order to satisfy my own needs, every page held insight, conviction and encouragement for me.

Welch challenges the commonly held views of Christians and nonChristians that people are cups looking to be filled with love.  While the 2 groups look to different sources for filling, the final outcome is often the same.  Welch states that rather than cups to be filled, we are pitchers to be poured out.

I can't do his writing justice in one short blog post, or in the quotations I've been copying in my sidebar, but I encourage you to read the book for yourself.  I have about a chapter left, and I'm already thinking that this should be a yearly read.

But I also have a question for you.  I would love some recommendations for reading.  I know of 6 days in June (Lord willing) that I'll be "out of order" other than taking care of Nadia in the hospital.  I would love to go prepared with some electronic books to read between naps and feedings.  Please leave me a comment with ideas of books that have been a blessing to you.  If you happen to know if they are available on Kindle for iPhone that would be even better!  Thanks so much!

Just Waiting

So, heard from the doctor today, but I had a really, really hard time understanding her; I think she was outside because there was tons of strange background noise, weird. Anyway, the gist of the plan is this: everything was all right with my blood sample, so we don't know anything about why our baby didn't stay with us. Next month after my, hmm, how shall I put this delicately...after the way of women has come upon me, I am to call and make an appointment with her. I think that she wants to do an ultrasound to check the lining of my uterus to make sure that it's sufficiently thick for an embryo to implant.

So, now you know, maybe more than you want to know. Thank you for your prayers and very sweet comments and facebook messages the last few days. I'm sorry that I haven't replied to each one, as I would normally like to do, but I've actually been pretty busy and not on the computer very much, until very late at night, when I have no business writing to anyone because it wouldn't be coherent. Come to think of it, that time of night is getting earlier and earlier for me lately, hmmm......

Well, good night, from this side of the world.

Until We Meet

There are certain things that I know to be true:

God is good, all the time.

God gives good gifts to His children.

Sin is evil.

Heaven is wonderful because God is there.

Life is not always beautiful, but can be lovely.

I don't have to understand everything to believe in God. (Hallelujah!)

Nothing can separate me from God's love.

Because I know these things, I can write this post, and hope that God will be glorified in my words and in my life.

Two weeks ago, I found out I was expecting our third child, and I was happy.  Four days ago, I learned that our child was with God, and I am heartbroken, again.  (I realize that I used bad grammar here, but when I typed "was heartbroken", it just wasn't accurate, so please overlook my purposeful use of bad grammar in order to communicate more accurately my emotions.)

You might be wondering why I would "bother" writing this post, since most people did not even know that I was pregnant.  Well, to be quite honest, I think this is for me.  I need to put down somewhere the things that I wrote at the beginning and remember that in this, too, God is good.  I don't understand why our 3rd child did not stay with us on earth.  While I would love to know why this happened, I don't have to know the reason in order to continue to believe that God is good.  And for some reason, I also need other people to know, so I put it here, rather than in a journal for my own eyes (though it's there, too!).

After our first miscarriage in March, I wrote this post.  To my surprise, I was told afterwards that it was printed out and used for hopeful encouragement for some other women in similar circumstances.  I don't know how God will use our second miscarriage, but I pray that He will be glorified.  Perhaps no one else will read this beyond my few faithful readers, but even if that is the case, I pray that God will use this in y'all's lives as He sees fit.  (be sure to read that last part with a good southern drawl, it sounds better that way)

And in case you're curious about the medical side of things, here's some info:

I went to a different clinic to see the doctor this time.  We decided for convenience sake I would go to a clinic that I could get to more easily.  This clinic is actually a Finnish-Russian clinic, so the doctor does not speak English.  I went on Tuesday of last week for the first time.  The doctor was very kind and spoke very clearly, so we were able to understand her very well!  When we didn't understand a medical term that she said, she was able to explain the term (in Russian), and we were able to understand then.  She did an ultrasound and was not able to see anything.  We did a blood test, and she called with the results of very low hcg.  The very next day my period started.  And I cried.  A lot.

I go back on Monday (tomorrow) to do another blood draw.  The doctor will call me on Tuesday to let me know the results, and we are going to do a follow-up ultrasound (I think) to make sure that everything is all right in there.  She said "we need to make sure your body is ready for your next baby" (rough translation).  I was really glad that she brought this up, because it would have taken me at least twice as long to get my point across in Russian, especially over the phone.

I am very thankful for this doctor.  I am thankful that my Russian has progressed to a point that I can go to this clinic--it is SO MUCH EASIER to get to!  I am thankful that overall the weather is prettier right now, it's amazing to me the difference some sunshine can make!  I am thankful for a little man who loves life and waves at cars that go by as we take long walks in the sunshine.  I am thankful for a God Who never leaves me or forsakes me, who sanctifies me and purifies me and cleanses me.

So I've been thinking a lot about heaven lately.  I think that when we are in heaven, we'll probably be just so stinking excited to be in God's presence that that joy will be greater than anything else, but in my imperfect state right now, I must confess that heaven seems closer because we have two children there.  While I know that Christ is totally reason enough for wanting to be in heaven, this emotional mama also looks forward to meeting her children and telling them how much she loves them, though she's never seen them with her eyes or held them in her arms.  And somehow, realizing that I can love someone that I've never seen or touched our kissed or hugged helps me realize that I can love Christ even more, He Who has done so much for me.  Though I have never seen God, I love Him; and I want to love Him more.

Please pray for me.  I really want to have another baby.  Please pray that I will be patient and trust in God's good timing.  And practically, please pray that I will sleep well.  I'm very tired, but when I lay down to go to bed at night, I must confess, my mind wanders a lot, and sleep does not come easily at times.  I want to be refreshed and ready for doing what I need to do the next day (especially for Isaiah!), and I know that sleep is a big part of that.  But most of all, please pray that God will be glorified.  Thanks, friends!

Being a Mom

What is it to be a mom?  This is a big question with a big answer.  For me, being a mom means I wear lots of hats, just like every other mom.  I get to be cook, personal attendant (this would include all those "lovely" things that mamas get to do, you know the smelly stuff), physical

 therapist, speech therapist, teacher, maid, comforter, encourager, guide, nurse, keeper of historical records, personal secretary...

And if I wasn't so tired from doing all of that stuff, then I could probably think of some more things. :)

But there is one more role that's really important, and that I take very seriously.  I've talked about it before, at least with other people or in other places, so this might not be the first time you've heard this from me.

The best part, and the most terrifying part, of being a mom is that every day, from the time that Isaiah and I get up to the time that we go to bed, and the few times that he wakes in the night (thankfully now far less than before!)  I must show my son Christ.  I think that doing Tot School has helped me appreciate this even more.  As I'm trying to teach Isaiah life skills and help him with his physical development, all my actions should also help him to know Christ better.  

There are days that I'm TERRIBLE at this.  And there are days that, by God's grace, I do a little better.  I say that this role is terrifying because it's such a huge responsibility, but it's also such a gift from God.  In I Corinthians 1, Paul wrote that the preaching of the cross of foolishness to the world.  Sometimes I think that having me (someone who's pretty good at sinning) teaching a little person about Christ is the same kind of foolishness.  Surely there is someone better qualified!

But God has chosen to give me this privilege.  I pray every day that He will continue to help me fulfill my calling as Isaiah's mama, and hopefully any younger brothers or sisters that He gives Isaiah in the future.

And I'm super thankful that He gave me my mama, who also took her calling seriously.  She loves me when I'm not lovable, when I've said hurtful things and acted selfishly.  She has shown me Christ all my life, and I am very thankful for her example.

And I also just have to say that God has given me the most fun little man to mother!  I love being Isaiah's mama.  We have so much fun together!  I've said before that being a stay-at-home mom is probably the hardest job that I've ever had, but it's also absolutely the most rewarding!  I wouldn't trade my calling for anything else in the world!

Thank you Lord, for all you have given me!

(confession, the above picture was actually the day before Mother's Day, but it doesn't really matter because every day is so wonderful with Isaiah!)

I Love Your Lovin'

No Tot School this week.  We've been a little preoccupied.  We've been doing a lot of this instead:

Hugs like only Isaiah can give

and kisses, too

Isaiah has become quite the physically affectionate child.  These pictures were actually taken a while ago, but they only demonstrate what he's been up to lately, but even more frequently!  Friday I was doing some exercises on the floor, and Isaiah kept coming and giving me kisses on the forehead (wonder where he got that idea?) and hugging the arm that was supporting my head.  He'd then go read his "azine" (magazine about North Carolina sent from my mama).  A few minutes later he was back for more loving.  And I definitely obliged!  There's nothing like those strong little arms wrapped around my neck or those growing hands grabbing onto fists of my hair.

I am blessed.

Thank you to those of you who have been praying for our family.  We are healing.  Some days are better than others, but praise God for His faithful care for us and for His constant goodness.

Spiritual Encouragment

Over at the Titus 2 Blog Party, Michelle has been listing a theme for every day.  The first day, Monday, was Spiritual Encouragement.  I had been planning to also write about these themes here each day, but God had set out another course for me.

So here I'm sort of catching up on my original plan, but more I'm sharing with you some spiritual encouragement that I have received from some cherished sisters and brothers in Christ.  (Warning:  this is going to be a long post, so if you have time, get comfortable!)

I suppose this is the best time as any to tell those of you who do not yet know what's going on, exactly what's going on.  I feel strange doing this right now because I have so many new people who have been visiting for the Titus 2 Blog Party, but I suppose that that is all part of God's plan for my life right now.  May all that I write be for His glory, because He is worthy.

Four days ago (Saturday morning for us is Russia) I began having some spotting.  Naturally I called my doctor here, who put me on immediate bed rest.  I won't go into all the details here of the following days.  We were up and down, with encouraging signs one hour and discouraging signs the next.  God laid out our path, and we followed, hoping for what we thought of as best:  Being able to hold our baby in September.

Late Monday night my bleeding increased and severe pain began.  After getting advice from my wonderful OB/GYN nurse in the States, we again called the doctor here, and I headed to the clinic to see the doctor on call.

Unfortunately Thomas was not able to go with me.  I headed for the clinic around 11:45pm, and we thought it best for Thomas to stay with Isaiah rather than dragging Isaiah around St. P in the wee hours of the morning.  They would not have been allowed to stay in the hospital with me, which would mean another taxi ride back home and utter confusion for poor Little Man.

At the clinic the doctor confirmed a miscarriage.  Here I'm going to skip some painful details.  I'm just not able to write about that right now, and I don't really think it's necessary.  The doctor was very kind and patient with my developing Russian.  Actually, having to speak Russian was a grace of God because it forced me to focus on communication and not only on my emotions.

As a medical precaution, I stayed the night in the clinic--they have a small hospital attached to the clinic for lesser medical emergencies, like having someone like me stay for observation.  The nurse that took me to the room had actually lived in New York for 11 years, and by that time, I was ready to speak some English.  She was very kind and compassionate, even giving me a hug and telling me everything would be all right.

Another nurse gave me something to help me sleep, and thankfully it worked.  I told her, I want to sleep; I don't want to think.  

Since I was by myself that night and the next morning, when I was awake, I did have time to process what was going on.  This might sound strange to some, and even overly pious to others, but the truth is that I never felt alone.  I was never forsaken by the One Who promises to never leave or forsake His children.  I was heartbroken (I am heartbroken), but amazingly, at the same time God gave me His peace that passes all understanding.  I didn't have anything with me except my cell phone, wallet and passport; so I couldn't read, but God graciously brought comforting passages to my mind.  He also helped me to remember the encouragement that people had written to me who knew earlier what was happening.  He helped me to remember things that had happened the past 3 days for which I could be thankful.  (let me know if you'd like to read that list--it's too long to include in an already long post!)

So, I mentioned spiritual encouragement, didn't I?  I have been blessed to receive an extra portion of spiritual encouragement the past several days.  One dear friend who has been through many times of difficulty shared with me something that her spiritual mentor shared with her many years ago:  God's gifts are good, acceptable and perfect.  I repeated that to myself during the early hours of Tuesday morning.  I rolled it around and around in my head.  I prayed about it.  It might seem strange to think about this time as a gift from God.  I know lots of people will probably balk at that statement.  My object is not to be offensive in this, but to share with you what is to me a very comforting truth that gives me strength to endure.  I believe that God is the Sovereign God of the universe.  He has established my path and guides my steps.  He was not caught by surprise.  All that my God ordains is right.  God is good.  All the time.

Please don't interpret the above statements to mean that I am not mourning.  As I wrote above, I am heartbroken.  I've been crying off and on since Saturday at really random times.  I'm sure that this will continue for a while.  Even as I type, the words have become blurred several times, and then I wipe away the tears.

Perhaps the most comforting thing has been hearing my husband pray for us during our times of family worship.  He thanks God for taking care of us.  He thanks God for granting our request that I not be in pain for a long time.  He praises God through his tears.  I am so thankful for my godly husband, who in the midst of his own grief continues to lead our family in the way of the Lord, by God's grace.

And now as I come to the end (at last, you might say), I thank you for reading.  Thank you for your prayers.  If you choose to leave a comment, I will do my best to reply, but as you can imagine, we have been overwhelmed with love and kindness and encouragement by our family and friends, so it might take me a while.  Please pray that we will keep our eyes on Christ.  He is worthy!